Andersen: What was he like? by Elias Bredsdorff Nr. 8 a. Trust and doubt

Andersen in 1868, photographed by Georg E. Hansen.  Kilde: Det Kongelige Bibliotek

Andersen : What was he like ? by Elias Bredsdorff Nr. 8   Trust and doubt

At times Andersen felt so close to God that it was natural for him to conclude an entry in his diary with the words: “Thank you for this day, dear God!” At other times he was filled with doubt and worry. Here are some characteristic extracts from his diaries in 1860:

3 SEPTEMBER

It is to me as if my spirits are weighed down by a nightmare- whence does it come, why is it there? I am strangely miserable. But I dare not ask you, God, to help me, for I don’t deserve it- why must I almost be so privileged? No one knows his destiny from one hour to the next.

4 SEPTEMBER

The wish to die suddenly very often comes to me.

5 SEPTEMBER

My mind won’t lift! Please, God, make me happy.

27 OCTOBER

I’m drifting like a bird in the gale, a bird that cannot fly and yet cannot quite fall either. O Lord! My God! have mercy on me!

28 OCTOBER

I am a sinner, a frail, vain person -I have been given far too many precious gifts, now I must suffer adversity, and then I complain like a spoilt child. Who listens to me? No one! No one!

14 NOVEMBER

It’s no use praying, God won’t change the course of events. In good days I cling to him, in bad days I do not support myself on his unchangeable will. I know that like a child I must ask for his forgiveness because I am being punished; please forgive me then, but I don’t want to ask the impossible. I know that in the course of time I shall succumb. Rather be oneself in abandonment than to be longing in the flames, hoping for a blessed existence which we are not going to achieve. ..Went to bed as usual in a bad mood, godless.

20 NOVEMBER

Up at halt-past eight, lovely sunshine. Please God, let it shine in clarity into my mind in Christianity and God.

17 DECEMBER

The good which I intend to do I don’t do. And the evil things I do not intend to do I do do. I have no future to look forward to.

Andersen: What was he like? by Elias Bredsdorff Nr. 8 b. Trust and doubt